Letter to a Substance Abuser's Parent

 

For the past 9 months, I have been working a few days a week as a Primary Therapist at a Substance Abuse Center.  So when I learned a friend of mine was struggling to help and understand her child who is a substance abuser, I wanted to help.

 

Dear Parent:

It must be so difficult to wrap your arms around what your child is feeling. I try to explain addiction to parents like this: say you're never allowed food or drink again. You can survive without it. In fact, you will die, if you go back to using it.  But you are still going to feel hungry and thirsty. You're still going to smell it and want it. You're going out with people who are eating all around you. But you can't touch it. Your mouth will still water. You'll get dizzy and headachy several terms a day, hunger pains, the whole deal. You'll get used to it, but it will take years. It will get worse out of nowhere. And out of nowhere, years later, you'll have those intense times. You can never let your guard down.

 

That's what an addict is feeling all the time, as best as I can describe it. They can succeed though.  I consider drug/alcohol treatment as a numbers game.  Yes, there are people who do it a different way or on their own. However, the people that are most successful at getting clean have all or most of the following:

• A strong treatment path that they step down from slowly - Detox to Partial Hospitalization to Intensive Outpatient to Outpatient
• 12 step involvement (AA, NA, CA, etc.) - which has to include several meetings a week,  a great sponsor, and commitment to work through the steps.  One recovering addict told me the only way he could stay clean was to trade the crutch of addiction for the crutch of NA 
• A great counselor that they can really trust, open up to, and WORK with after treatment  
• SELFISHNESS  - Their sobriety has to take priority over everything and everyone else.   They can't try to help their friends in treatment or their girlfriend. It has to be all about them, or they will get pulled down. Being a sponsor and/or working in the drug treatment industry should not come before AT LEAST A YEAR CLEAN!!!

Good luck to your child and to you.  Your loved one can do this!!! And life can be wonderful again. Your child has got to start valuing all the little wonders of life and allow them to add up to the  "highs" that used to come from drugs.  Maybe this time, they will have their "ah ha" moment. I don't believe in rock bottom, because unfortunately, they can go lower. I believe in a moment of clarity where a sober life means more to them than moments of being high wrapped in a lifetime of misery.  If one little thing a counselor says adds up on top of things they've learned at a different time, maybe this time it will click.

 

Take care. My thoughts are with you. 

Mindfulness for Dummies

What if life could be happier and more fulfilling with one simple technique? Perhaps you’re not flexible enough for Yoga.  Perhaps you can’t sit still long enough to meditate.  And maybe, for whatever reason, you’re not into formal religion.

Or maybe you’re into one or all those things. 

Either way, one change in your behavior can improve life for you – Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is being in the moment.  It’s like taking a quick video of what’s happening at that minute.  But you are not using your smart-phone – you are using your mind.  Let’s look at some examples:

You’re angry.  Someone just cut you in line, and you’re in a hurry.  Before you act – stop yourself.  Take note of what’s happening.  Are your hands clenching?  Is your heart beating faster?  Is your breath getting short?  Stop. Take a few deep breaths.  Consciously, relax your muscles.  And think about whether to act on your anger.  Is it worth it?  Could you get in a fight?  Are you elevating your blood pressure for something that really doesn’t matter?  Maybe it’s better to just let it go.

Now maybe, it’s a bigger issue.  Your spouse has just said something nasty to you.  And you take note of all those angry symptoms.  You de-escalate what is going on in your body.  And you are able to calm your spouse and have a reasonable conversation.  You save yourself from all kinds of negative physical symptoms, and you keep from having an argument that could have significant negative effects on your relationship.

You’re happy.  You are sitting on a park bench.  Your child is playing nicely with a friend.  The sky is clear, and there is a lovely breeze.  You’re drinking a good cup of coffee and enjoying a real conversation with your friend, the mother of the other child.  Freeze it in your mind.  Take in all the pleasant things that are going on in the moment and truly acknowledge it.  How often do we take these nice moments for granted and let the aggravating little moments eat at us?  If you allow yourself to enjoy the positive moments, the negative moments won’t have as much of an impact.

Think of a wedding, a great party or a night out with your buddies.  How often you stop and really take it all in?  Use all your senses and lock those moments into your memory as they are happening!!!

 

You’re sad.  Yep.  Even when you’re sad, this is a good practice.  Feel your tears.  Think clearly about what is making you sad, before you try to cure it or make it better.  Allow yourself to be sad in the moment, but be aware, if you are not able to lift that sadness after a time you feel is reasonable.  Again, it is being aware of the physical effects of an emotion, so you can deal with them, not allow them to overtake you. 

Mindfulness is particularly helpful, when you are grieving.  It is okay to feel the grief – to allow yourself to cry and remember and mourn.  Many of us try to brush those feelings away, but it is important to allow ourselves to honor our lost loved one.  If you don’t grieve, when a loss occurs, you will carry the negative parts with you for a very long time.

Hold on a second!  This all sounds so simple.  I know.  It’s not.  It takes practice.  It takes turning on your brain at times when it is often off!  But it’s worth it. And it gets easier – and oh so worth it. 

Happiness is a choice

 

Two guys work on a garbage truck, side by side.  One says, “I hate my job.  The truck smells, the weather is hot, it is hard labor, and I have to wake up at the crack of dawn.”  The other says, “I love my job.  I am out in the fresh air all day, it keeps me in tip-top shape, the pay and benefits are great, and I get done with work early, every day.”

What’s the difference between these two guys?

Attitude

Now, if it were really that easy, we’d be living in a world of sunshine and lollipops. 

You see, we are influenced by our genes, our upbringing, our social circles and our experiences.  All those elements came together in a positive way to create Garbage Collector Number 2.  But it doesn’t mean Garbage Collector Number 1 can’t change.  He just has to want to change enough to work on it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one method/theory used by therapists to insight change. This theory explores how a person thinks and why they think that way. Techniques like exposure therapy, role play, skills training, and thought records are used to uncover maladaptive thoughts.  Maladaptive thoughts are those that we learn over time that misdirect us in our pursuit of a happy, fulfilling life.  These are some of the techniques that are also used to re-train the client to interact and react more positively.  CBT may be an effective therapy to help clients make attitude changes.

There are many other psychological theories used to help clients make the changes they desire.  There are also thousands of self-help books, countless self-improvement seminars, and endless on-line trainings.  You just has to want it badly enough, research methods, and then give it the energy and time your cause deserves.  Just think about it – how long did it take to get here? Getting where you want will take time and effort, but it’s worth it.  

What’s the difference between a Jogger and a Runner?

Attitude

 

31 Days without Internet and Television

 

We moved into a new house, and it took 31 days to get internet and TV.  It’s not a huge crisis.  No one got hurt.  Nothing catastrophic happened.  But it was hard – surprisingly hard.

Yes, we bonded – we played board games, we went out to family dinners and we watched lots of DVDs.  (We actually got through 3 seasons of Friends, which even 10 years later, is one of my favorite shows.) And we made it.  We survived.

And that’s what I am writing about: we managed. 

The first few days, we were going nuts.  We were bored.  We were snapping at each other.  And I was on the phone for hours with Comcast and AT&T, raising hell.  And then we started doing other things.  I read a magazine in the bathtub.  My husband baked a ziti and went to a friends’ to watch football.  My sons both actually got into Friends, with their mom, and watched lots of old movies.

Please understand, this i s a light-hearted revelation on my part.  Everyone goes through rough patches – some much more important and life-changing than this.  I just found it interesting that we figured out how to manage.  That one week deadline of “we’re going to just get a satellite if we don’t get service from Comcast or AT&T” stretched to 2 weeks and then a month. 

People were stunned, when they would ask us after a week, then three, and we would say, nope, we still don’t have service.  They would laugh and say, “I don’t know how you are doing it.”  My husband started out grudgingly going to Starbucks to sync up his work files every morning.  Then, it became part of his routine, and I think he actually began to enjoy it.

Sure, there are some situations that are unimaginable and unlivable.  This wasn’t one of them.  And we made it just fine. 

I am not sure the Mental Health relevance of all this.  But in the back of my brain, I felt like I was living in an experiment for the last 31 days.  So I thought I would share to give you a little laugh. In fact, I guess that’s the point:  try not to sweat the small stuff; make the best of the little things and enjoy.  Just enjoy.

 

 

Why Comparing Your Problems to Other's Is Not Helping You

 

“I have a good job and a nice family.  So many people are so much worse off than me. I shouldn’t be depressed and anxious.”

A client said this to me the other day, and I have been thinking about it, ever since.  He is a compassionate person, and he was trying to put his issues into perspective.  But it begs the question – why do some people handle their life’s struggles – however big or small – so much better than others?

My view of psychological issues, such as depression and anxiety, are wrapped much less in the actual problem and much more in the person’s resiliency at the time of the problem.  Have you ever noticed that you yourself are more able to handle what is being thrown at you at certain points in your life?  And then sometimes, even the littles problems stress you out completely?

If we look at a biological, psychological and social situation of a person at different points in their life, we are going to paint a slightly different picture. 

Biologically, there are chemical and genetic factors that affect each person.  That is coupled with changes in hormones at different points of the lifecycle such as puberty, reproductive years, midlife and late life.  Psychologically, our childhood, upbringing and culture color how we view every situation.  And socially, we have and rely on different levels of support as others and also, within our own lifetimes.

While it is admirable to realize our situations shouldn’t be that debilitating based on what others are going through, it doesn’t solve our problems.  It may help keep things in perspective.  But it is more important to realize our own thresholds for stress, loneliness, frustration, and depression at any given time, and address them.  We are all individuals with vastly different needs, and sometimes we need to focus on ourselves to make life better.

 

 

Pet Peeves...how are they really hurting you?

"I hate when someone has more than 20 items in the quick check out line...It's my pet peeve".  Can you believe that jerk just cut into my lane?... That's my pet peeve".

Most of us have them.  Very few people can roll through life without being aggravated by little things like going for a snack in the cupboard and finding the box is empty.  Full disclosure - all three of these are pet peeves of mine!

But the longer your pet peeve list, the more stress you are causing yourself.  And as we all know, stress is not mentally or physically good for you. 

Consider pet peeves sort of like allergies: the more you are dealing with at one time, the more they are weighing negatively on your system. 

And think about it - when you get worked up by a pet peeve, what does it solve? You can't (or shouldn't for safety reasons) confront the jerk who cut you off.  The snack will not magically appear, because you are upset.  The only one you are hurting as your blood pressure rises, your fists clench and your mind races, is you!

So the next time your friend is late for lunch, take a deep breath. Consciously, let it go.  Think about how little it matters in the long run and let yourself relax.

Bad Habits

“I have got to lose 10 pounds before we go on our cruise next month.”   “I will start saving money for retirement, right after I pay off my car.”   “I will quit smoking right after my busy season at work is over.”

We all have things we want to do for ourselves.  We know all the reasons why we should do them. So why don’t we?  Let’s talk about it.  Let’s talk about you.  You consider yourself a pretty together person.  You work hard.  You consider yourself a fairly strong person.  So why can’t you tackle that one thing that’s been nagging at you?  You know it’s good for you.  You know all the reasons why you should do it – quit smoking, stop eating sweets, save more money, exercise more, stop after one glass of wine, etc.

But when’s the last time you thought about why you do that “bad thing”?  Because there are reasons – simple ones like “I like chocolate – it tastes really good.”  And there are more complex reasons like “if I look better, maybe men will start noticing me, and I am afraid of the attention,” or “smoking gives me an excuse to walk out of the office a few minutes every few hours, and I need to get out, because I hate my job.”

So you are supposed to do this good thing and break this bad habit or pattern.  But there are valid reasons that you have these habits.

Sit down and write out:

• Why it would be good to quit…
• Why it would not be good to quit…
• Why it would be good to keep doing…
• Why it would not be good to keep doing…

These are different lists – I promise.  Take your time.  Nobody but you is going to see this list.  Take a few days, if you need it.  Be honest with yourself.  Is it worth it?  What “good habit” can you substitute to solve the reasons why you have that bad habit?  Most people need a substitute – it’s why people who quit smoking often gain weight!  It may be yoga or breathing techniques or unraveling the root of the issue.

You may decide it’s not worth it, you’re not ready or you are going to cut back but not quit.  Maybe you can learn to be okay with those extra pounds.   Perhaps you’re able to commit to 2 cigarettes a day instead of 8.

It’s your life.  It’s your decision.  It’s your commitment.